When someone on Twitter said hyper-independence is a trauma response, I felt that. 

I have been so quick to remind someone I do NOT need them, I rarely ask for help, I don’t trust easily, I always question people’s intentions and I just like to get on with things instead of talking about them. Even when people ask or offer help, I’m always wondering what their real motive is. Ultimately, this energy helps me to avoid disappointment. If someone doesn’t come through for me or adhere to my needs, then I reinforce that I only need myself and justify my lack of trust for people and their intentions. Despite this, I have, however, been able to place trust in people who have gained it by consistently showing up for me. I don’t question their intentions and I am open to vulnerability, only when I am completely comfortable and feel seen. My hyper-independence usually comes about in intimate relationships. 

It is important to be independent, knowing that you can rely on yourself to do what is best for you and make the right choices. Being able to navigate life being strong-willed and disciplined without needing anyone to validate you is a blessing, not everyone can do this. Many people are dependent on others and need validation or constant reassurance to get by and this can have effects on their sense of self and security within the world. Ultimately, disappointment is inevitable, life happens and sometimes people switch up, you have to be able to pull yourself together and count on yourself when this occurs. Thus, a healthy level of independence is important. 

However, hyper-independence is a whole other level. It is a way to protect yourself from disappointment, rejection and vulnerability. It is a trauma response driven by fear. When our trust has been broken, usually from an early age due to consistent disappointment or neglect. We build a wall as a shield to protect ourselves from experiencing the pain and sadness that came from this disappointment. You grow up with the belief that you can only rely on yourself. This defence mechanism is an unconscious attempt to make sure that you do not go through something similar again. Especially when you are so used to doing things alone or getting by without any help from others. If people like your parents or family members aren’t there for you, the way they should be, this can intensify your hyper-independence and distrust for people. 

In my childhood and throughout my teens, I experienced consistent disappointment, broken promises and emotional abuse. This resulted in my hyper-independence now as an adult, I am still working through the effects of this. For me, I get anxious and fearful of rejection, especially in intimate relationships or in moments of vulnerability so I’ve convinced myself that it is better I do things alone. I feel if I am completely vulnerable, let my guard down I may be disappointed by the person I opened up to. I have also experienced feelings of shame and guilt for wanting to get my own needs met, I almost felt like a burden. But I understand now there is nothing wrong with me for wanting someone to meet my needs, and I know that I cannot do everything alone. Vulnerability Is scary, it has always scared me. The perception people have of me is that I am completely independent (which I am so that’s not wrong), but no one really asks me if I’m ok because I “seem” like I have it all together. When I was in Uni, living with 4 of my friends, I’d l be breaking down mentally and emotionally and no one will have a clue. Because I convinced myself that keeping it all inside and not opening up is better than the possibility of disappointment. After all, who can hurt you or re-break your heart if you place no trust in them in the first place? 

Now, whilst I can be vulnerable since I’ve done a lot of inner work I still struggle at times and I’m still very hyper-independent. This is an area of my life I am working on, especially in intimate relationships where this plays out the most. When things get tough in these relationships, I remind myself again why I am better off alone. However, I want to be able to be completely open, only to those who are deserving. I am learning to trust that people do have good intentions and the people I choose to surround myself with are examples of this. I have beautiful connections with people I can be myself and vulnerable with. But again, I am a work in progress. 

You may identify with being hyper-independent by the traits that I mentioned but here are some other traits: 

• Fear of disappointment
• Lack of trust for people
• You dislike needy people
• Inability to receive support or guidance from others
• Feeling like you will be better off alone
• You avoid asking for help when you need it
• Reminding people that you don’t need them
• Believing that you can only rely on yourself
• Feeling shameful and/or guilty for wanting someone to meet your needs
• You do things alone even if you have high levels of anxiety 

You can begin to work on your hyper-independence because truthfully, we all need people, especially on an emotional level. It’s a blessing to feel seen and know that you have people you can rely on who won’t let you down. Here are some ways that you can begin to work on this:

Acknowledge your need for help and ask others – even a normal amount of help, this doesn’t make you any less independent or take anything from you by asking for help when you recognise that you need it. Trust your ability to choose the right people for your life in which you both have created a solid foundation based on trust and consistency. 

Use your anxiety level as an indicator of how much you are comfortable taking on – (As suggested by Jeffrey E Young and Janet S. Klosko in their book ‘Reinventing Your Life) If you feel overly anxiously, and you are starting to get overwhelmed this is a strong indicator that you have taken too much on and It is time to let go of some responsibilities or ask for help from someone you trust. 

Choose friends and partners who are worthy of your trust – then you can be confident that they won’t let you down and will be there for you when you need them. 

Try to be open to the idea of vulnerability and opening up to those in your life who have consistently shown up for you – this is difficult, especially when your trust has been broken or people have consistently failed you. Understand that real emotional connections and trust are also built from vulnerability and being open. 

Remind yourself that you are deserving of help and support – People who love and care for you want to be there for you, let them. 

Also, you don’t have to question everything. You need people and people need you.

Thank you for reading!