What do you do with all that deep-rooted pain that comes from a hurt place?

That pain that comes from those unhealed parts of you that you may have brushed off or tried to forget. Sometimes we think we have healed those wounds or have moved past the parts of us that are broken, hurt, confused, angry, disappointed etc. whatever the emotion(s) may be. But even if we think we have gotten over this, it always comes out one way or the other. 

I had a good ol’ cry recently, whilst I was praying to God. I just had to let it all out, small events from the day before had triggered those emotions within me but it felt good to let it flow. During my prayer, I was asking God to give me the tools I need to be a better person to the closest people around me. See, when I’m in a low space there are two sides of me you will get, I will either retreat into myself, not letting anybody in and dealing with my pain alone. Or I will go from 0-100, get angry and anyone who happens to be caught in the crossfire at that time will get it. This is why I don’t really like speaking when I’m in that space because I know my emotions can unregulated. Being an outspoken person with a fiery personality doesn’t help either, I just end up looking crazy. People have told me that I go to 100 real quick and they have to deal with it, then I push them away. The realisation is hurting me, not only because I know my behaviour is affecting those closest to me. But I know where it comes from, it comes from my own pain and anger I have for things that I haven’t healed. 

But how can we move past this?

First things first, owning and admitting how we feel. Do I feel shit sometimes, a little insecure, angry, regretful, shame, hurt…Yes, I sure do. But how do we deal with it? Do we decide to take it out on other people because we cannot handle our emotions, and we don’t know how to regulate ourselves in these moments? No, because no one should have to deal with that. If you weren’t taught how to control your emotions growing up, it may be difficult for you as an adult. But this can change, with small steps and a little practice – we can get there.

Yesterday was the first day I decided to make a conscious effort to start dealing with my emotions better. I know therapy is a choice for me. However, in the meantime, I want to do other things myself to control my emotions. After doing some research I found a few ways to control your emotions better:

1. Identify What You are Feeling

First ask yourself: 

• What am I feeling right now? (Angry, confused, disappointed, anxious, sad, insecure)
• What happened to make me feel this way? 

Then ask yourself: 

• Does this situation have another explanation that makes sense? 
• What do I want to do about these feelings? (Scream, cry, cuss someone out) 
• Is there a better way of coping with them? (Relax, and pause)

2. Accept Your Emotions

Accept your emotions as they come so that you become more comfortable with them, if you start to identify your emotions as well you will be able to understand what you are feeling and why. Increasing your comfort will help you to feel the full range of your emotions without reacting in extreme ways. I know for me when something happens, I don’t just feel 1 emotion, I feel a whole range. Which can heighten the situation making it difficult to calm down.

3. Take a Deep Breath

Slowing down and paying attention to your breath won’t make the emotions go away but can help you to ground yourself. 

• Breathe in slowly 
• Hold it – for a count of 3, then slowly let it out
• Consider repeating “I am calm” or “I am okay”. 

4. Give Yourself Some Space

Get some distance from your intense feelings, both physical and mental distance. This doesn’t mean avoid your feelings, but it helps to avoid any extreme action and anyone getting caught in the crossfire of your emotions. If you just walk away to calm yourself down, it may do you and anyone else better. 

5. Keep a diary

I’ve kept a consistent diary since I was 16, I’m now 25. I use it as my outlet. Sometimes when I experience an intense flash of emotions and I feel like I can’t express it, I just go to my diary. Like the other day I wanted to scream so bad, I was mad and upset. But it was not the time nor place to be doing all that, so I literally wrote in my diary “I AM SO ANGRY, I WANT TO SCREAM!!!”. But just writing it down and letting it be known, made me feel better. Remember though, your diary doesn’t have to only be for the low moments, you can write when you’re happy, calm, excited etc. It just feels good to let it out.

6. Download a Mood Tracker App

I’ve started to use an app called Daylio https://apps.apple.com/us/app/daylio-journal/id1194023242 This app allows me to input my daily mood and write a brief explanation as to why I feel this way. (It also gives me a visual of how erratic my emotions can be!)

I still have a long way to go to handling and controlling my emotions better, but with the help of God I am beginning to make a conscious effort and that’s the first step. I’ll see how it goes when I start putting it into practice especially when I am in a low space, you know how life goes.

Thank you for reading!

Reference: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-control-your-emotions