The truth is, I find it hard to forgive myself. From the outside, it looks like I have it all figured out. But deep down I have so many fears, based on my inability to forgive myself for things that I have tried so hard to move on from. I get scared when I something reminds me of my fears. I still get triggered when people look at me from a lens that isn’t desirable to me. I get angry at the thought of someone holding me to my past because I know how tedious the journey was to get to this point. But I am still trying to be this perfect version of me and I know deep down that doesn’t exist but I am still trying to attain this version. Because my past hasn’t been pretty, my experiences have been painful, my decisions haven’t always been the best and I am still trying to forgive myself for the decisions I made when I was at my lowest when I didn’t have a sense of self when I was still trying to figure out who I am. It’s like I am trying to remove myself so far away from that version of me but every so often I am reminded that I still have a fearful inner child, scared that things will go wrong at any moment. Feeling like I am underserving although I try so hard and do my best – I am still fearful. And I dislike that about myself. But as I write this, the part of me that has always remained resilient is reminding me that I can get through any state of anxiety, panic, fear and shame.

Thank you for reading.