“Very often people will use anger to cover their fear. When you’re angry, you’re in control. But when you are afraid, you’re vulnerable. Most people think it’s safer to be in control than to be vulnerable.”

– Iyanla Vanzant

I don’t think my need for control will ever disappear because my anxiety and perfectionism are a recipe for control issues. 

Control is often related to anxiety. Many of our behavioural patterns and traits are formed within childhood and stay with us into adulthood. Genetics can also play a part. You may be more prone to anxiety if you had an anxious mother. I believe that our dispositions can develop in the womb. My mom was going through a lot whilst pregnant with me, and I have no doubt that impacted me whilst growing in her stomach. We are attached to our mothers, so we feel what they feel.

Some people may find your need for control annoying, and it probably is. Because whilst you are panicking, other people are relaxed. Whilst you are overthinking, other people aren’t even concerned. Whilst you are doing too much, other people are doing too little. We are all different. I have an anxious disposition which means I can be a control freak. 

My anxiety causes me to want to control everything. My perfectionism causes me to desire perfection, perfect conditions, perfect timing, and perfect experiences. Perfect everything. 

I understand that it is an emotional and mental thing, and I am very aware that some things are outside my control. The lack of stability as a child, with little control over what happened, has encouraged my behaviour as an adult. I remember my little self would get so frustrated about the things I couldn’t control as a child. I never understood why simple things had to be so difficult. I now desire stability so much that I experience anxiety and sadness when life seems out of control. 

However, I’ve learnt that we must surrender our need for control because there is so much outside of our control, and there’s nothing we can do about that. There’s no amount of what if’s or thinking about your lack of control that will change the fact that you can’t control the uncontrollable. 

So then what do we do?

I don’t know, but I think we should give it to God. I believe we should express our desires, fears, needs, and wants to God. We should also share our sadness and anger for things we can’t control. Because why not? If we can’t talk to God, who can we talk to? God can simply be our soundboard for all things good, bad, and ugly. Also, remember (if you believe in a higher power) whilst you may not be in control, God is always in control. God is always looking out for you, that thing you are obsessing over, God has got it handled. And you may not see it yet, but you’ll see it eventually.  

-Erykah. A