Have you ever been so ‘attached’ to someone you can’t seem to shake them off? Do you find yourself constantly holding onto that person even though you know you need to part ways and continue to stay? You may find yourself justifying why you shouldn’t leave or that you need that person in your life.

A part of you has become so accustomed to that person to the point that their presence has become so potent. You may find it difficult to see life without them. The thought of them no longer being in your life makes you feel incomplete or that a part of you is missing. (Now unless they’re dead I am realising this form of co-dependency and attachment is unhealthy).

You may have become so co-dependant on that person that you have given them so much control over your emotions. When you are on good terms this makes you feel good (which is normal) but when you are now on bad terms, you feel discombobulated, guilty, confused, and unable to concentrate.

I can admit to having issues with attachment and co-dependency. For example, I would experience a deep sense of regret/guilt when I tried to detach myself from that person or try to walk away. I’d experience an intense feeling inside – kind of like sense of yearning or a need for that person. I refused to sit with my feelings and as a result, I ignored all my instincts, including the pain and heartache I’ve experienced.

The difficulty with this is that emotions are temporary and by pushing them aside will eventually lead to frustration and confusion. It’s kind of like addicts who use drugs to mask their pain, but once the high wears off they’re confronted with the reality of the situation- that they can’t hide forever. This is what co-dependency looks like. It’s a cycle and a pattern of behaviours.

When you are feeling low or lonely just know that this is a temporary emotion but deciding to act when you’re feeling like this will reignite your co-dependency causing you to reattach yourself to something you don’t need to. You will find that repressing your feelings or refusing to acknowledge your pain because of your co-dependency is the root of your continuous frustration. However, this feeling and longing will not last – it is in these times that you should remind yourself that ‘The best way out is always through’. During these times sit with yourself and feel your emotions.

To go through the process of complete detachment and loneliness isn’t easy. To be completely independent of someone and having to deal with the uncertainty of what it might be like not having that person in your life is scary. However, this will allow you to break down the walls of attachment and to also get to the root cause. This is something to deconstruct and it takes time. By sitting with yourself and observing your emotions and understanding your triggers, you will begin to understand yourself and you can start to think clearly. To permit full growth for yourself and others, it is important to know when to detach yourself from something. A co-dependant relationship is unhealthy for both parties.  Understand when it is time to draw the line and when it is time to let go.

Detaching does not mean you don’t love or care for that person. It means that you are deciding to put yourself first and work on the parts of you that need healing. Letting go of co-dependent relationships ultimately helps you to invite healthy relationships into your life so that you don’t need anyone to validate you. You will learn that people can only compliment you but not complete you.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

A few questions you can ask yourself to further understand your co-dependency:

1. What is stopping you from breaking free of this co-dependant relationship?
2. What is it about being alone that scares you?
3. How does your body react to the reality of that person not being in your life?
4. What are your physical sensations?
5. Does your co-dependency stem from your childhood?

See you soon x