So, I had a crazy start to the year. The night before 1st Jan 2022 for the first time I ate a quarter of a strong weed edible. I had an extremely frightening experience, a bad trip. It felt like a near-death experience, some of the things I experienced were: panic attacks, projectile vomiting, feeling cold and shaking which resembled a seizure, feeling weak and out of control. I basically felt like I was dying like I was getting sucked further and further into a black hole. I think I even passed out about 3 times and then became stuck in a time loop replaying the moment of what I thought was my death. In my mind, I was certain I had died, and I was experiencing my death. Even throughout I kept asking my boyfriend if I am alive and I was constantly checking my neck pulse. Then after falling in and out of sleep I finally came out of it, but I still feel like I’m left with small PTSD and when I think about the trip I begin to feel anxious. It’s been like 3 days and I still feel anxious, I also have shoulder aches as a symptom of anxiety. I feel like I lost my mind a little and sleeping now seems scary. It’s like my body became resistant to sleep. I also had this (very irrational) fear that I did die, that I am dead and that I’m just living life as normal, because how would I really know? This I’m sure makes no sense since I am living and breathing, but that experience was so traumatic and terrifying that I am still trying to rationalise it and accept that it was all in my head and just a bad trip. But the mind is so powerful, you cannot play with it.

I also want to note that for those who have anxiety, like myself – I have diagnosed health anxiety, GAD and OCD. Certain things like weed and/or alcohol can become serious triggers. I believe you have to be extra cautious, in my case, however, I won’t be trying this again. 

A Spiritual Awakening?

Interestingly, this experience seems to have been some sort of awakening. Although, I will explore this concept when I have had a good nights rest and get some normality back into my life. However, from doing some online research and reflection, my trip seems to have been an experience of my real-life fears. So in my case, whilst I felt like I was dying I had quite a few thoughts and fears pop into my head which seemed to make me panic more and ‘fight for my life’. Thoughts such as, I haven’t shared my life story yet, I haven’t yet had the peace I want. I was scared about never being able to continue to experience the love I am receiving from my boyfriend, have a family and just have peace of mind. Also worried about not seeing my sister again, but fears such as what would people even say about me and what I’ve left behind. Now you probably won’t know what people will say about you when you die, however, I believe I have full control over my legacy and this experience taught me that I am living in fear, not being present or experiencing the fullness and beauty of life in the way that I should be. Because I am such an anxious person, I do find it difficult to be present. But I can see how this has stopped me from living, I worry about how things should be, I put limitations on myself, not being completely open with my loved ones, ignorantly thinking that some things don’t matter when they do and not being there for my loved ones as much as I should be. Basically, a lot of realisations came from that experience. I NEVER want to experience such trauma again in my life but it was probably very life-changing and I just need to tap into what I’ve learnt. 

My biggest fear is something tragic and uncontrollable happening to me i.e. early death or serious illness which will prevent me from reaching my goals. Therefore, I believe this trip was an eye-opening experience of my biggest fear coming to life. For context’s sake, I have had a very unstable upbringing – my childhood wasn’t as carefree as it should have been. I spent my teens battling with anxiety and consumed with daddy issues. The beginning of my 20s was somewhat the same, still quite unstable, daddy issues still rife with rocky mental health whilst trying to figure out who I am. Now at 25, I’m finally coming into myself, I have the love I’ve desired, I have the grown woman job, I know my purpose and the goals I want to achieve and I look good. So now that my life Is beginning to stabilise itself, the thought of losing it all is really scary. 

Reading stories online, it seems I’m not the only who has had a bad edible experience. But what I’d like to take from this is that this was somewhat of an awakening that will allow me to live life being more present and purposeful.

Lastly, say no to drugs kids! Or at least, know your limits. 

Research: The Spiritual Value of a Bad Trip: A Conversation with Richard Haight